Rhetorical quotes


― Tim May, teaching a net.newbie how the world really is

You appear to be in a dire need of killing.

― Someone pretending to be Tim May, on cypherpunks

You renew my faith in the shotgun.

― Mikael Halila, paraphrasing who‐knows‐who

Mea maxima culpa. En tajua miten saatoin oksentaa paperille moisen houreen.

― Hannu Kauppila katuu lipsautustaan Liberaalien listalla

Lest we reassure ourselves that these are just examples of a few loose screws in the American machine, let me tell you what Pat Buchanan—a man who garnered 23% of the Republican presidential primary vote in 1996—said at last year’s convention of the Christian Coalition: Our culture is superior. Our culture is superior because our religion is Christianity and that is the truth that makes men free. (Of course, as several commentators remarked at the time, his speech was probably better in the original German)

― Sheila Suess Kennedy of ICLU, rather elegantly obeying Godwin’s Law

You’re the reason our kids are so ugly.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire.

― Winston Churchill

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

― Dorothy Parker, book review

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

― George Bernard Shaw

I’d insult you, but you’re not bright enough to notice.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.

May you get the winning lottery ticket and a hole in your pocket.

May you have eyes like a hawk and a spouse with warts.

May you learn the secret of life in every dream, then forget it each time you awaken.

May you live in uninteresting times.

May you make a poor man richer: your doctor.

May you make a widow and orphans happy—your own.

May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.

May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May your daughters’ hair grow thick, black, and abundant—all over their faces.

May your possessions never tempt another to steal.

Your mind is a one bit processor with parity error

Here’s a red box, go call someone who cares.

― Dedrick T.S.L.

The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside.

The hotel of your mind has many vacancies.

― Animaniacs

There are only two things I dislike about her—her face.

Tell him I’ve been too fucking busy—or vice versa.

― Dorothy Parker, when asked why she had not delivered her copy on time.

During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson: Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person! Stevenson called back That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!

A woman once said to Calvin Cooldige: I’ve made a bet with a friend that I can get you to say at least three words this evening. What do you say to that? Coolidge replied: You lose.

At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table to remark, If you were my husband, Winston, I’d poison your coffee. Churchill immediately replied: And if you were my wife, I’d drink it.

When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to the opening night of his new play with a note that read: Bring a friend, if you have one, Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: I’ll be there for the second performance, if there is one.

Lady Astor approached Churchill at a party and said Winston, you’re drunk! Yes, I am, replied Churchill, and you, madam, are ugly. But I’ll be sober in the morning.

Once it was said that Dorothy Parker and Clare Booth Luce arrived at a door simultaneously. Clare motions Parker ahead and says: Age before beauty Parker sweeps through the door without a pause and says over her shoulder: And pearls before swine.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease. Disraeli replied, That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

(Also attributed to Lord Sandwich and John Wilkes.)

A young man began a correspondence with Mozart, and the following was said:

Q: Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions as to how to get started.

A: A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.

Q: But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old.

A: But I never asked anybody how.

Singer: You know, my dear, I insured my voice for fifty thousand dollars

Miriam Hopkins: That’s wonderful. And what did you do with the money?

You boys lookin’ for trouble?

Sure. Whaddya got?

― Marlon Brando, in The Wild Ones

Lewis Morris: It is a conspiracy against me—a consipiracy of silence. What should I do?

Oscar Wilde: Join it!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

― Dorothy Parker

Suu kiinni, pikkupippeli.

― Panu Höglund

Tuttiko on tippunut lattialle kun turpa käy?

― Panu Höglund

Jos sinua se aseteknologia kiinnostaa niin haluatko kuumaa pyssynpiippua perseeseen? Sen lähemmäksi yhdyntähommia et taida päästä, vai saako hoitsun liksoilla huoraa? No jaa, se tietysti on priorisointikysymys…

― Panu Höglund


Jos haukottelet noin leveästi, homosetä tulee ja työntää suuhun molon.

― Panu Höglund