Do you program in Assembly?she asked.NOP,he said.
#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))
INSERT DISK THREE? But I can only get two in the drive!
Intel Insideis a Government Warning requied by Law.
Intel Inside: The world’s most widely used warning label.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation…
A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.
A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
A computer makes as many mistakes in one second as three men working for thirty years straight.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren’t broken.
A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors suspicions to the contrary.
A friend in power is a friend lost.
A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer is like a cat trying to explain to a fish what it’s like to get wet.
A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.
A misplaced decimal point will always end up where it will do the greatest damage.
A narrow mind has a broad tongue.
Seen on a California license plate on a VW Beetle:
FEATURE…
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldly knowledge.
A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.
According to my calculations, this problem doesn’t exist.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
All computers wait at the same speed.
An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.
An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.
Artificial intelligence? No thank you, I don’t need crutches.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats natural stupidity.
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
ASCII and ye shall receive.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Back up my hard disk? I can’t find the reverse switch!
BASIC programmers never die, they GOSUB and don’t RETURN.
Because we are returning a copy for postfix ++ expressions, statements such as (c++)++; won’t work as expected.
Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable.
Belief is no substitute for arithmetic.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.
Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an organization.
Building up arms is not a substitute for diplomacy.
C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.
C(++) is a write‐only, high‐level assembler language.
C++ would make a decent teaching language if we could teach the ++ part without the C part.
C++: Hard to learn and built to stay that way.
Cannot delete tmp150‐‐‐3.tmp: There is not enough free disk space. Delete one or more files to free disk space, and then try again.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Chance is the pseudonym God uses when He’d rather not sign His own name.
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare.
Computer nm.: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more.
Computers do not solve problems, they execute solutions.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost.
Confucius say: He who play in root, eventually kill tree.
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don’t use your thumbs.
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Data expands to fill the space available for storage.
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail.
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
DOS never says
EXCELLENT command or filename.
Double your drive space—delete Windows!
E‐mail—When it absolutely, positively has to get lost at the speed of light.
English, the Microsoft of languages…
Enter any 11‐digit prime number to continue…
Epigram: Ada is the 400‐pound gorilla of programming languages.
Error, no keyboard—press F1 to continue.
ERROR: Computer possessed; Load EXOR.SYS? [Y/N]
Ever notice how fast Windows runs?—Neither do I.
Fifty years of programming language research, and we end up with C++???
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Fixing UNIX is easier than living with NT.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
FORTRAN was the language of choice for the same reason that three‐legged races are popular.
God is real, unless declared integer.
Going from programming in Pascal to programming in C, is like learning to write in Morse code.
Hardware nm.: the part of the computer that you can kick.
hAS aNYONE sEEN MY cAPSLOCK kEY?
He who laughs last probably made a back‐up.
Heard of the new version of Windows from MS? It is called CEMENT—CE+ME+NT
Help! My keyboard is stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
I can’t use Windows. My cat ate my mouse.
I dropped my computer on my foot! That Megahurtz!
I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said:
Outlook not so good. I said:Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway.
I have NOT lost my mind—I have it backed up on tape somewhere.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I knew a mathematician who said:
I do not know as much as God. But I know as much as God knew at my age.
I will not be a lemming and follow the crowd over the cliff and into the C.
I wonder what Jesus would do if He had to reload Windows 95 for the eighth time today?
I’m in the computer business, I make Out‐Of‐Order signs.
If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N−1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed… …If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
If at first you don’t succeed, work for Microsoft.
If brute force doesn’t solve your problems, then you aren’t using enough.
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
If it wasn’t for C, we’d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
If it’s not on fire, it’s a software problem.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.
If you torture the data enough, it will confess.
If your computer speaks English, it was probably made in Japan.
In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates?
In C++ it’s harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you blow off your whole leg.
In My Egotistical Opinion, most people’s C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt.
Intel: We put the
um…in Pentium.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi‐Tasking?
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It’s 5.50 a.m…. Do you know where your stack pointer is?
It’s a little‐known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
It’s been said that Bill Gates named his company after his dick…
Java is, in many ways, C++−−.
Kevorkian Virus: helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Kids today have so many advantages I never had. There’s no telling what I could’ve accomplished with a home computer and a handgun.
Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Mac users swear by their Mac, PC users swear at their PC.
Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.
Maniac n. An early computer built by nuts.
Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
Memory is like an orgasm. It’s a lot better if you don’t have to fake it.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question.
Nois the answer.
More men are sheep in wolves’ clothing than the other way around.
MS‐DOS isn’t dead, it just smells that way.
Multitasking adj.: 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
My computer NEVER loc.
My computer’s sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Network: Any thing reticulated or decussated, at equal distances, with interstices between the intersections.
Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a pickup full of magnetic tapes.
NO, You cannot dial 911, I’m downloading my mail!!!
Of course, the best way to get accurate information on Usenet is to post something wrong and wait for corrections.
Oh, boy, virtual memory! Now I’m gonna make myself a really big RAMdisk!
Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Overall, OS/2’s problems fall into two categories: IBM and Microsoft.
Oxymoron: Computer security.
Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.
Pascal n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plonk excl.: The sound a newbie makes as he falls to the bottom of a kill file.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Programmer n.: A red‐eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.
Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’ll support it for the rest of your life.
RAM abr.: Rarely Adequate Memory.
Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25
Real programmers don’t write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real programmers use:
COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
Round numbers are always false.
See daddy? All the keys are in alphabetical order now.
Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Smith & Wesson—the original point and click interface.
Software Engineering is that part of Computer Science which is too difficult for the Computer Scientist.
Software Independent: Won’t work with ANY software.
Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics; i.e. it always increases.
Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code.
Standard are industry’s way of codifying obsolescence.
Supercomputer n.: what it sounded like before you bought it.
System Error: press F13 to continue…
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
The C Programming Language—A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The long double numeric variable type in C++ is insufficient to express the weight of your mom.
The mathematician has reached the highest rung on the ladder of human thought.
The more I C, the less I see.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.
The number of the beast—vi vi vi.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
The number you have dialed is imaginary. Rotate phone 90 degrees and try again.
The only people who have anything to fear from free software (such as GNAT) are those whose products are worth even less.
The only thing more dangerous than a hardware guy with a code patch is a programmer with a soldering iron.
The only truly secure computer is one buried in concrete, with the power turned off and the network cable cut.
The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.
The Pentium III: It’s Hitler Inside!
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense.
The voice of God is government.
The way to win an atomic war is to make certain it never starts.
The world is coming to an end… SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
There are two ways to write error‐free programs; only the third one works.
There is nothing that a kick in the balls or a pressure on reset won’t solve.
Those who can’t write programs, write help files.
To adopt nuclear disarmament would be akin to behaving like a virgin in a brothel.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
To err is human, but for a real disaster you need a computer.
To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. To create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation calls for an MBA.
To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
To go forward, you must backup.
Trying to outsmart a compiler defeats much of the purpose of using one.
Two languages implementing the same idea must, on pain of death, use different terms.
UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus.
UNIX is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully.
UNIX: It’s not just
User‐Unfriendly, it’sProactively User‐Hostile!
Usenet is a Mobius strand of spaghetti.
VMS is a text‐only adventure game. If you win you can use UNIX.
Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn’t 3.5 inches and it ain’t floppy.
Wanted: Expert Java programmers, 5+ years experience.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We will never become a truly paper‐less society until the Palm Pilot folks come out with WipeMe 1.0.
Welcome to the totally‐automated, fully computerized world of the twenty‐first century, where nothing can go wrong…go wrong…go wrong…
What do you mean by
RAMdisk is not an installation procedure?
What does the Start button do—isn’t the computer already running?
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
When comes the revolution, things will be different—not better, just different.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
When the old dog barks, better look out the window.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem you encounter resembles a nail.
When there is no danger in fighting, there is no glory in winning.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
Whenever you think you have a clever programming trick… forget it!
Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX.
Who is this
General Failureand why is he reading my disk?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Why should I press the Start button to turn the computer off?
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Win95 not found, [P]arty, [C]elebrate, [D]rink?
Windows isn’t a virus, viruses do something.
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN!
Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
WinNT: All the headaches of UNIX, but in a pretty, windowed environment.
WinNT: supports Plug’n Play devices, just not Plug ’n Play…
Would you fly in an airliner designed and built by the lowest bidder?
Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed,
Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, ’cause I’m the meanest s.o.b. in the valley.
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn’t dim the lights when you turn it on.
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.
You know you’re a geek when… You try to shoo a fly away from the monitor with your cursor. That just happened to me. It was scary.
You make my software turn to hardware!
You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.
You think you know when you learn, are more sure when you can write, even more when you can teach, but certain when you can program.
Your mom is so ugly she can’t turn on a computer.
Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? [OK]
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
perl ‐pe ’s/([\w.+‐])\@((?:[\w‐]+\.)+[\w‐]{2,})/$1+$2/g’ in.mbox >out.mbox
Perl is write‐only. I say this after maintaining and extending a large build system written in it.
― Jon Watte, on music‐dsp
The overall process is not describable to an average person.
― A consult friend of mine explaining a system to the customer
There’s at least one Celtic‐related code story from Bletchley Park, though its not a Gaelic or code‐talker one. One of the intelligence honchos was referred to as
Crather than by name (a practice later picked up by James Bond stories.) One Scottish worker there didn’t follow the practice, was chewed out for it, and replied along the lines:Well, Mr Menzies, if you don’t want people to refer to you by your family name, you shouldn’t be wearing a kilt in your family tartan…― Bill Stewart on cryptography
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
― Text on a t‐shirt
It’s time for the tech community to realize that turning to the federal government for help in this area is simply not productive. It’s like trying to teach a cow to configure BGP routers: You won’t succeed, and you’ll annoy the cow.
― Declan McCullagh on spam legislation